I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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