we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
