Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
