I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
