Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Randomize
