By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
