Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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