Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
