Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
