Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
