how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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