this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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