did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
