Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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