the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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