Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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