I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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