if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
