i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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