i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You made out with two different species that night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize