So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
