I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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