what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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