The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
