I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
