you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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