I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
