I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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