It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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