why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
