i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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