Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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