my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
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