Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
