At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My ass is underappreciated
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize