the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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