I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
