I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
