i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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