Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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