Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
