he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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