We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
