I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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