Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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