Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
