see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Randomize