Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
