Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
