Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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