final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
