Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
