The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
actually, I'm a sock model
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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