In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
