Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
