dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
worst night to have a conscience
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
